The Fog Rolls In

 


"Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

William Shakespeare


As the fog rolls in over my mind, I start to feel lost. Bits and pieces of me begin to float away. 

My thoughts become a chaotic jumble of words, images and sounds that make no sense. I hear people talking to me but it's hard to concentrate to determine what they're saying. I find it harder and harder to articulate what or how I'm feeling, and my words become slurred and disjointed. 

My body starts to stiffen so it becomes difficult to move without extreme effort, and I begin losing my sense of where my body is in relationship to the world around me. Up feels down, down feels up, and I feel like I'm moving too fast when in reality I'm just shuffling. 

I can see the concern on the faces of my family but I can't react to it. I am bombarded with feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness all at once. I am losing myself inch by inch...

But the overriding feeling is FEAR. I am so afraid when this happens. I am afraid partly because it is such an isolating and lonely experience, but mostly because I don't know if I will come back. Whether in a room full of people, or just sitting next to my wonderful wife, when the fog rolls in it separates me from everyone. I am alone trying to fight back against the inevitable. 

As the fog grows thicker I lose my battle to stay present until there is just...nothing. I don't know if I'm asleep or simply catatonic. I have no sense of where I am or who I am - there is nothing. 

After some time - it could be minutes or hours or even days -   the fog lessens and thins, and I come back. I may go back again, I may stay trapped in a cycle of back and forth for awhile, but eventually I return - at least this time. 




Comments

  1. Linda EllisAugust 22, 2023 at 9:49 AM

    Your thoughts are expressed eloquently Carl. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousAugust 22, 2023 at 10:24 AM

    You tell this so beautifully. It breaks my heart, but I am so happy you are still here...even on your foggy days. I love you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousAugust 22, 2023 at 10:55 AM

    Oh Carl, my heart is breaking for you. But your bravery (yes, you are) in writing about what’s happening as you progress through LBD is so valuable in helping all of us understand the ramifications of living with this evil monster. Hugs, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousAugust 22, 2023 at 12:55 PM

    So beautifully written. Praying for your strength. . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. RhondaAugust 22, 2023 at 2:17 PM

    Praying for strength and miracles. They happen every day. It's a wonderful blog and thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousAugust 22, 2023 at 3:20 PM

    Thank you for sharing your journey and for making yourself vulnerable.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousAugust 23, 2023 at 7:28 AM

    This brought me close to tears. How eloquently you express yourself is so touching. Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousAugust 23, 2023 at 2:01 PM

    Carl thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine your frustration as you travel through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete

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